My favourite poet in the world is Fernando Pessoa. One of his most important characteristics is that he writes using the names of about seventy people invented by himself. Each one of these with a different life history, emotions and personalities.
Pessoa is my favourite poet because I feel a connection with these characteristics. The truth is that I’m not really certain of who I am, what my abilities are, my strengths, my fears, my weaknesses. I don’t even know if I’m a good or a bad person, if I’ve been able to make the right decisions. I don´t have a clear picture of what I should do in the future. And I guess it’s like I have various personalities, each one massively different from the others.
I think this has been a quest of mine since my childhood. In every memory I can remember there is always a sense of fear, confusion and ambiguity. I’ve always had dreams; I’ve always wanted to feel a sense of belonging. I’ve even tried to be a part of my village’s group of Scouts, because I wanted to do something useful for the community, but I ended up leaving it since I felt all we were doing was walking down the street with uniforms and chanting at the Church so the old ladies could look at us while praying.
The thing is I feel that I’m really different from my family, and I’m afraid to hurt or disappoint them by being this messed up person that I feel sometimes.
I guess I’ll just try to find out who I am, not only in the eyes of others, but also from my own point of view.
Until then, I’ll just cultivate all of my passions: plant caring, literature, biology and even different cultures and religions. At least it should give the peace of mind that I’m so longing for.
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